Category Archives: Relationships

The Four Horsemen

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The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. This metaphor is used to describe communication styles that, according to Doctor John Gottman, can predict the end of a relationship.

Here are the four horsemen.

1. Criticism

Criticism is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize.

2. Contempt

Contempt is truly mean— it is when we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive, and this horseman is nearly omnipresent when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off.

4. Stonewalling

The fourth horseman is stonewalling, which is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.

I have been a student and fan of this research for many years. In time such behaviors will destroy intimacy, trust, love, and the relationship.

Here is an article that further delves into this subject. There are many many detailed articles on this subject on the web.

There is also hope if your partner is open to changing these patterns and behaviors. Here is an article on antidotes to the horsemen.

“If only”

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“Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.” —Louise L. Hay

Sometime ago I thought I had discovered something very original. I titled my theory “I’ll be happy when”. The central idea of the theory is a pervasive behavior/state of mind that I observed in my marriage partner at the time. I was so pleased and at the same time discouraged by this “discovery”. As I looked outward from my marriage partner I came to see that this kind of thinking was everywhere with most people.

I thought I would write about this because I received an email this morning from Gay Hendricks at heartsintrueharmony.com talking about the “real cause of our unhappiness”. That cause he explained as ‘if only”. ‘”IF ONLY” has us looking for answers outside ourselves, forever trying to change how others behave in order to feel better about our own lives.’ I would add to this phrase “I’ll be happy when” I have this or that ad infinitum. This or that can be almost anything; a new house, a new car, more money, new furnishings and on and on it goes.

Hendricks says the root of this problem lies in a fundamental lack of love for ourselves and the solution is in a program they market. The program is designed to help people become more present, release regret and guilt, freedom from others critical opinions, and lessening fears.

My opinion on this “if only” subject is in agreement with the lack of self love analysis. There are many aspects to this self love conundrum. Yes being present is one, so is gratitude, so is forgiveness of self and others. We cannot change others so sometimes there is no recourse but to begin a process of self loving, to let go of the relationships with others who adhere to the I’ll be happy when consciousness. This is especially true when you are blamed for the changes they want not happening for them.

It is important to note that a co-existing component with this consciousness is usually a victim mentality that verges on sociopathic because it is never that persons fault. Such people blame, criticize, everything and everyone and rarely see their part in things that happen to them. If you have such relationships in your life, work on yourself first, don’t blame the other person, set boundaries. Boundaries are lines in the sand that apply to behaviors that you will not allow, will not tolerate in your life. Yes, your life may change. It will change for the better.

All relationships are there for us to learn. Learn to be loving, kind, compassionate, supportive, trusting, giving, caring, and most relationships in this material world exist for a limited time. I feel blessed to have been with my wife for such a long time. A long time was helpful. It gave us both time to learn a great many things. I am grateful.

“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” —Carl Gustav Jung

The Three Things

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Marisa Peer is a peer; that is, she is a hypnotherapist also. She has this lovely video talking about the three things necessary for a good relationship. Here is a link to her video.

If you prefer to just know the three things here they are:
1) Sexual chemistry
2) Best friend chemistry
3) Deep admiration and respect for the other person

There you have it. The video is worth watching.

Only presenting an idealized version of ourselves separates us from others.

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Elk in a pasture a few miles from my home.

Wanting to be liked we sometimes present our idealized self to others. What a therapist once described to me as selling ourselves. Not surprisingly, that most often creates the opposite result. The following is an excerpt from an article in the Harvard Business Review.

“In 1997, Arthur Aron, a social psychologist and director of the Interpersonal Relationships Lab at Stony Brook University, performed a groundbreaking study that answers this question.

He and his research team paired students who were strangers. The students were given 45 minutes to ask each other a series of questions. Half the pairs were given questions that were factual and shallow (e.g., a favorite holiday or TV show). The other half were given questions that started off as factual but gradually became deeper (e.g., the role of love in their lives, the last time they cried in front of someone else). The final question was, “Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find the most disturbing?”

After the 45 minutes, Aron’s team asked the participants to rate how close they felt to their partner. Pairs from the second group formed much deeper bonds. In fact, many of these participants started lasting friendships. In one longer version of the experiment, two participants even got engaged a few months after the study.”

Here is a link to the article.

Masters and Disasters in Relationships

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We live in a wonderful age of information. With just a little bit of commitment we can find brilliant answers to so many of our questions. The videos below are from my favorite relationship researcher John Gottmann, he has been researching the causes of relationship success and failure for decades. If both people in a relationship wanted success, he has the tools available in books and videos. These videos are great.