“If only”

“Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.” —Louise L. Hay

Sometime ago I thought I had discovered something very original. I titled my theory “I’ll be happy when”. The central idea of the theory is a pervasive behavior/state of mind that I observed in my marriage partner at the time. I was so pleased and at the same time discouraged by this “discovery”. As I looked outward from my marriage partner I came to see that this kind of thinking was everywhere with most people.

I thought I would write about this because I received an email this morning from Gay Hendricks at heartsintrueharmony.com talking about the “real cause of our unhappiness”. That cause he explained as ‘if only”. ‘”IF ONLY” has us looking for answers outside ourselves, forever trying to change how others behave in order to feel better about our own lives.’ I would add to this phrase “I’ll be happy when” I have this or that ad infinitum. This or that can be almost anything; a new house, a new car, more money, new furnishings and on and on it goes.

Hendricks says the root of this problem lies in a fundamental lack of love for ourselves and the solution is in a program they market. The program is designed to help people become more present, release regret and guilt, freedom from others critical opinions, and lessening fears.

My opinion on this “if only” subject is in agreement with the lack of self love analysis. There are many aspects to this self love conundrum. Yes being present is one, so is gratitude, so is forgiveness of self and others. We cannot change others so sometimes there is no recourse but to begin a process of self loving, to let go of the relationships with others who adhere to the I’ll be happy when consciousness. This is especially true when you are blamed for the changes they want not happening for them.

It is important to note that a co-existing component with this consciousness is usually a victim mentality that verges on sociopathic because it is never that persons fault. Such people blame, criticize, everything and everyone and rarely see their part in things that happen to them. If you have such relationships in your life, work on yourself first, don’t blame the other person, set boundaries. Boundaries are lines in the sand that apply to behaviors that you will not allow, will not tolerate in your life. Yes, your life may change. It will change for the better.

All relationships are there for us to learn. Learn to be loving, kind, compassionate, supportive, trusting, giving, caring, and most relationships in this material world exist for a limited time. I feel blessed to have been with my wife for such a long time. A long time was helpful. It gave us both time to learn a great many things. I am grateful.

“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” —Carl Gustav Jung

100%

I recently watched a video and it was very timely. Sometimes we know something but it is compartmentalized. For example, when I work with people with addictions, I emphasize the importance of choosing to commit completely to stopping. One hundred percent commitment is what is essential to success.

So, wouldn’t one hundred percent commitment be important for success in all things? Of course. Here is a link to a Ted Talk that I really like.

Childhood + Affection = Happier Adults

Are parents important in creating the state of mind of those children as adults? Absolutely!

“According to Child Trends – the leading nonprofit research organization in the United States focused on improving the lives and prospects of children, youth, and their families – science supports the idea that warmth and affection expressed by parents to their children results in life-long positive outcomes for those children.”

That is me in front of my snow fort. My childhood in Minnesota!

Here is a link to the article from the Gottman Institute

Uncertainty

 

 

 JOY

Lost, confused, anxious, and filled with uncertainty, a common complaint or malady of these times and of simply being a human being. It would be rare to find a singular human being of moderate age who has not dealt with these feelings. It seems to be a part of life. The causes are many and the feelings are real. Feelings And everything is about uncertainty. What do you really know of the future. My dear friend’s son’s wife is recovering from a double mastectomy, a brother in law is in chemotheray for pancreatic cancer, my best friend for 22 years and a high school friend are both struggling with Rheumatoid arthritis. Many clients have serious health issues. Being ill increases stress and the irony is that most diseases are caused by stress, is stress like a virus settling into our psyche that then creates physical symptoms which birth greater stress? Now there’s a novel thought!

Here are some ideas you might find helpful. Imagine how someone else would handle the same situation. If you had a big moral question and you are a Christian you might ask how Jesus would handle it. In other words, if something in the future does happen (a negative event) how do yo deal with it, cope with it? How would somebody with the requisite skills cope with it? When you figure that out you just practice it.

Everything is uncertain, you don’t know for sure that you wake up tomorrow, the future is uncertain. I found a quote from my favorite mystic today and in reading it I recognized what is keeping me coping, I am helping others.      “…how happy those should be that have been called to a purposefulness in relieving suffering… in giving hope to those who find life’s pathway in the material world beset with shadows and doubts.”

You don’t have to be a therapist to help others but only be there or help in some way you can best.

I read about this “exercise”, the exercise is to write one sentence each night, a sentence about the most important thought or event in that day. Sometimes the sentence reflects something learned. I only started recently, join me in this experiment if you wish. We can share our experiences.

Anxiety Manifestation

 

Recently anxiety has overtaken depression in the realms of most popular psychological malady. As a human being I too at times become anxious. As a therapist many people come to see me due to anxiety. Because we are mind in a body, discovering the thoughts that create the anxiety and lessening or eliminating those thoughts is the path to calm.

“Many of us don’t realize that every thought, word and action we say and do in life is transmitted via the etheric and nervous system to every organ, cell and molecule of the body. In less than a second your energy system starts working towards your choices and actions. If these are not congruent with your beliefs, goals and values, the result will be a physical or chemical imbalance in the body.”

“We are all motivated at a subconscious level to stay on the path of our purpose. When we deviate or refrain from this path, for whatever reason, our inner being starts working against us, alerting us to look inside ourselves and at what we are avoiding, denying, or resisting. If we refuse to listen, we become anxious, stressed and plagued with fear and confusion. When we deny what we feel, we feel trapped and become ungrounded. Life feels chaotic.”

Here’s a simple thing to do: when you notice your mind saying something unkind about you, a word like “you idiot” (one of my past favorites when I fail at something) note that word and banish it. Forbid you to call you an idiot. In time you will stop doing that to yourself. Do this with three words and you will be happier.

Change is Normal

Change is normal, necessary, and unavoidable. I’m changing my spiritual ideal to love. I’ve been influenced to do so by a very loving man I met at my retreat this week. In the presence of kindness and love we may realize Its never too late to improve. I really hope to someday be the best I can be and little by little change comes.

So Simple

So many of us want to be better and better. I have for a long time desired to be an “enlightened” person. I’m not sure exactly what that means since knowing something has to come from experiencing it fully. I’ve suspected that being enlightened is a state of mind that includes being loving, kind, compassionate, caring, giving, receiving, joy, peace, helping, serving and so much more along these lines. Of the many positive words in the English language love seems to be the most powerful. So, what feedback or metric lets you know you are on that path? That you are loving? How do we know?

Well, I’m reading a book a friend suggested and in that book I found the simplest of means to discern whether we are in a loving state or not. Here it is! Is your energy towards others positive? Is your energy toward yourself positive? If it is you are expressing love. Oh I know this maybe too simple. But it only relies on taking note of your feelings. A great mystic once said that our emotions are our soul in action, our essence, and perhaps that is so. If it is so, then it is really easy to gauge whether we are expressing love in the moment. Are you feeling a positive energy toward yourself and others?

Blessings,

Rick
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